Six lifestyle clashes that could wreck your marriage (and they’re not about sex)

It’s a throwaway couples’ cliché – opposites attract. But while there is some truth that being in a mismatched marriage holds a level of allure, there are certain disconnections that can rupture a relationship beyond repair.

Psychotherapist and performance coach Rebecca P. Fox says: “We are often drawn to qualities in others that are suppressed in ourselves. The rigid planner can find a more spontaneous person intriguing, or an introvert can feel swept up in the sociability of an extrovert. But, sadly, it’s not uncommon for these uneven relationships to break down, with devastating consequences.”

One study that focused on more than 18,000 couples discovered that incompatibility tended to fester into relationship dissatisfaction and increased break-ups. “Difference becomes the wedge in the marriage,” Fox explains.

Here are six relationship mismatches that can ruin a marriage – and how to solve them.

No-holds spendthrift v cash counter

Money discrepancies are a cert for cold-shoulder gripes. Our attitude to spending is often embedded in past experiences, even childhood, and we can bring unconscious behaviour into our relationships.

“If a person has grown up in poverty, it’s no wonder they have a fear of debt,” says Fox. “If they live with someone who overspends, it is going to cause them incredible stress. When there is a discrepancy in core values, like spending, it can be incredibly difficult to work through it.

“Of course, both your thoughts and feelings are valid, but if you dig your heels in and won’t budge, it will create problems.

“It’s important to respect each other enough to say, ‘I am going to listen to your point of view and not feel attacked by it.’ One couple I worked with wanted to go travelling for a month. The husband is very indulgent, the wife is more careful.

“I encouraged them to talk about their budget beforehand and decide together what was possible. They both agreed to mainly stay in cheaper hotels so they could treat themselves to lots of excursions and a few splash-out restaurants. Discussing their plans upfront was a way of preparing for success. A good sentence to remember is, ‘How can we make this work?’”

On the wagon v wine o’clock devotee

Maybe you once enjoyed a tipsy shindig together, but now fun seems to have left the building. A significant change in the dynamic of a couple can upend the bond, while also stirring up critical feelings. “Judgment around drinking, or not, can incite shame and anger,” says Fox. “It can mean a person doesn’t feel accepted or supported, and arguments can escalate. There is a loss for both parties – one may have lost their good-time buddy, the other now finds their inebriated partner a bore.

“As we get older, our emotional intelligence tends to improve – we can appreciate that people are different and can happily sit alongside it. But if disparity drastically impacts our lives, you may need professional support.

“Talking things out with an impartial party can really help – and I’m not just saying this because I’m a therapist,” laughs Fox. “I see this over and over again – when resentment builds, communication between a couple stops. They don’t know how to get through to each other and retreat into their own unhappiness.

“A couples’ counsellor takes a neutral stance and can help both parties be heard, while understanding their relationship patterns better and, hopefully, helping them to become connected again.”

Social butterfly v cosy homebody

Researchers have discovered that differences can be positive when they are complementary rather than conflicting. For example, when a person who is ready to party at the drop of a hat encourages an introvert to be more outgoing, or the introvert maintains a steady presence and helps to calm the live wire down.

Take Dolly Parton, who was happily married to her husband Carl Dean for 60 years before he passed away last year. Dolly has always been a flamboyant showgirl while Carl was an extremely private bystander who refused to be photographed. The bottom line is whether it works well for you as a couple.

“Differences can give you something to talk and laugh about,” says Fox. “But once you start trying to force expectations on each other you get into problems. Of course an extrovert can go out on their own while an introvert stays home, but you need to both agree this is OK.

“Trust is a big part of this dynamic; it’s important that neither sees this social separation as rejection. You’re not doing your own thing because you don’t want to be with your partner – you’re just fulfilling a side of your unique personality. I do believe it’s a good idea, though, to always ask the introvert if they want to be included, even if they say no. It means they feel valued.”

Early riser v night owl

Having separate sleep patterns is tricky to negotiate and often erodes a sense of closeness. This can lead to a lack of intimacy, while (often falsely) endorsing insecurities around your own sexual appeal. “I sometimes hear, ‘He doesn’t want to come to bed because he doesn’t fancy me any more.’ But is that really the truth?” says Fox.

A recent study led by Seoul National University found that couples who go to bed together actually sleep better, often drifting off more quickly. Professor Ki Woong Kim, the senior author of the study, says: “Having different bedtimes may make couples less satisfied in their relationships, which may cause stress and sleeplessness.”

Fox says it’s important to share your lives on some deeper level than simply functioning in a practical who’s-picking-up-the-kids way. “OK, so sleep patterns are different, but it doesn’t need to be a disaster. I would say to any couple, whatever their situation, build regular date nights (or days) into your lifestyle.

“Once a week spend quality time together and enjoy being a couple. We all have busy lives, but when you build in a specific time just for each other, it bonds you. Take it in turns to organise, and if you have a mismatch as a couple, consider each other’s needs. It’s no good booking an all-nighter event if your partner generally goes to bed at 10pm.”

Gym obsessive v exercise shirker

This dynamic is one of the most difficult to manage, according to Fox. “In my experience, this throws up a lot of uncomfortable feelings,” she explains. “When people have different values about how they want to approach their health and lifestyle, loss of respect can creep in. The fitness devotee may even weaponise their commitment to staying fit, using it to feel superior, while the other party feels judged and inferior.

“I worked with one couple who struggled in this way. He was immersed in a gruelling training regime for an Ironman competition, while she sat at home feeling lonely and unattractive. Then one day they had a big argument over McDonald’s. She wanted to eat it and he made her feel guilty. The situation really escalated because she believed he thought her habits were repulsive. In one of our sessions, he explained that he simply wanted a healthier lifestyle for her because he deeply cared about her wellbeing. This was a revelation to her.”

“Mutual influence” is positive (where you allow your partner’s needs and perspectives to influence you and perhaps change your behaviour). Perhaps you might take up yoga because you know they enjoy it and it’s something you can practise together. But Fox stresses that when a couple’s differences lead to snide remarks or ridiculing, you will soon lose any semblance of connection.

“Acceptance of who your partner fundamentally is means your love is unconditional. If you are always wanting your partner to be something else, you probably won’t survive as a couple,” she says.

Art-house fan v soap queen

“There’s little wrong with one of you loving Married at First Sight while the other goes off to the opera,” says Fox. “Just as long as you have other combined interests to give you shared time and something to talk about. In many ways, having different interests brings something new to the relationship.”

If you constantly say, “You’re so boring, all you do is watch war films,” your partner is going to feel defensive and more likely to retaliate. Criticism also pushes a person to withdraw, often hiding their true feelings. “Rather than making your partner believe there is something wrong with them, try to address the issue by focusing on the impact it’s having on your relationship.

“Try: ‘When you watch war films all night, I miss being with you. I’d really like us to do something together instead.’ Think less ‘attack’, more about how you can become united as a couple,” says Fox.

The Telegraph, London

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