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At 70, Sydney-based author Susanne Gervay has been single for more than a decade. After three serious relationships, including a 20-year marriage, Gervay deliberately decided to remain single. Since then, she says, her life has been full and happy.
“I walk twice a week with my girlfriends, I have book club, the gym with the gym girls, and we lunch every couple of months,” she says.
“Writing events are constant, friends come over. There are writing tours and festivals to speak at. Most Fridays, my son and his delightful wife, with my two grandchildren, arrive to create noise and bring news – I love it.”
While there is no conclusive data on how many Australians are single, the Australian Bureau of Statistics reports that, in part due to an ageing population, by 2046 an estimated 3.4 to 4 million people will be living alone, a 30 to 50 per cent increase from 2021.
The number of single parents is also projected to rise from 1.2 million in 2021 to between 1.6 and 1.7 million in 2046, suggesting that for many, being single can also be an intentional, long-term decision.
Elisabeth Shaw, chief executive of Relationships Australia NSW, says the shift in society’s perception of what it means to be single has enabled more Australians to choose to live without a romantic partner.
“As a society, we have fortunately moved on from the experiences of past generations when being single was pathologised and pitied,” says Shaw.
“[Now] there is far more room to have diverse experiences … [including] periods of being single that are unquestioned, the option to live alone but be in a relationship, to be single but with friends with benefits and so on.”
Dr Kelly Gough, president of the Australian Psychological Society, agrees, adding that personal values and motivations can also influence a person’s decision to remain single for the long term.
“Some people highly value their independence and ability to focus on their personal goals, career, hobbies or friendships without the extra responsibilities that may come with a romantic relationship,” Gough says.
For public relations director Chiquita Searle, 45, who has been single for 15 years, the decision wasn’t originally intended as a long-term plan.
“I grew up firmly ensconced in the belief that ‘soulmates’ existed and that I could not possibly become ‘whole’ without my ‘other half’; however, I was disabused of this notion when I was in a relationship with someone I did think was my soulmate, only to realise that I was deeply unhappy,” she says.
Melbourne-based Searle maintains this unhappiness wasn’t due to her partner but to something intrinsic, which she became aware of only after her relationship ended.
“I was using dating as a form of escapism, mainly because I was unhappy within myself, and when I learnt how to find fulfilment internally, this shifted for me.”
Since then, Searle says, she has become independent and self-sufficient, and that this, in turn, has changed how she views single life. She now sees it as a purposeful choice that makes her happy.
“As a single person, I am responsible for exactly one human being. That is genuinely such an easy way to live,” she says. “I don’t know why it took me so long to realise this, but now I have, I couldn’t be smugger or more well rested.”
As Searle and Gervay attest, many who choose to remain single in the long term do so simply because it makes them happy, which Gough says is one of its greatest benefits.
“People who are single often enjoy the freedom to focus on their own wellbeing and create a lifestyle that best aligns with their values,” he says.
Clinical psychologist and author Dr Rebecca Ray says being single can also benefit other areas of your life, including your other relationships.
“Single people often have richer social lives because that energy goes into friendships rather than one person,” she says.
In fact, various studies have found wide-ranging benefits of being single, including improved health – such as staying in shape – higher life satisfaction, better sleep, greater resilience and a stronger sense of self.
But Searle says there have been downsides, including financial implications.
“I currently rent and live alone, which means I cover all my expenses on a single income, and being self-employed means cash flow can be unpredictable,” she says. “I am responsible for making my own super contributions, which does cause some stress and anxiety.”
Ray says this can be one of the most significant disadvantages, along with loneliness and the emotional load.
“Carrying everything solo is heavy – from finances to decisions nobody helps you make,” she says. “And loneliness is real, especially in the harder seasons when you’d give anything for a built-in person.”
While things are better than they were, Ray adds that for some singles, especially women, societal expectations to have a partner and make it a priority can lead to judgment, assumptions or unsolicited advice or opinions from others, as Susanne Gervay has experienced.
“My gorgeous nephew said that I should have a partner. His mother has partnered, and he is a marvellous man,” she says. “But not me … I just don’t want to.”
Instead, Gervay says, her single life is now focused on prioritising what and who is important to her: her children, grandchildren, friends, work, travel and fun.
“As a solo, I went on an amazing cruise in the Bahamas. There was a conference on board, and I learnt a lot, met some old friends and new, danced to Love Shack on board and shouted with all the other dancers – wonderful.”
But perhaps most importantly, being single allowed Gervay to rediscover herself and rebuild her self-esteem, which she says was lacking in her past relationships.
“I lost who I was,” she says. “[But] I love my life now. I would not give that up for a partner again.”
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