This Olympian told the world. But is there a ‘right’ way to confess your affair?

When Norwegian Sturla Holm Laegreid took out a bronze at the Winter Olympics this week, it wasn’t the medal on his mind. Instead, he told the world he had cheated on his girlfriend.

“Six months ago, I met the love of my life, the most beautiful and kindest person in the world. Three months ago, I made my biggest mistake and cheated on her,” the 28-year-old said on camera after the race. “My only path forward is to tell everything and put all my cards on the table and hope that she can still love me.”

Many critics argued this unexpected confession shifted attention away from the gold medal winner Johan-Olav Botn and onto his ex-girlfriend, who was unwillingly thrown into the media spotlight.

Though Laegreid later issued a statement saying he “deeply regrets” sharing such a personal story with the public, his ex’s refusal to forgive him shows his approach clearly didn’t work.

But is there really a “right” way to come clean about an affair?

Are public confessions OK?

Laegreid initially said he hoped committing “social suicide” would show his ex how much he loves her.

Dan Auerbach, clinical director of Associated Counsellors & Psychologists Sydney, says this kind of impulsive, public confession is rare and usually ineffective.

“Generally, that’s done to assuage the guilt of the person who’s committed the affair rather than as an act of healing,” he says. “People feel so guilty that they want to do something big to show their remorse. But it can cause a lot more harm than good.

“The injured party should have the right to decide the pace of it all and whom to tell, rather than being potentially humiliated by somebody disclosing something so intimate about them.”

This was clearly the case for Laegreid’s ex-girlfriend, who first found out about the affair a week prior. She told Norwegian newspaper VG shortly after his public admission that it’s “hard to forgive” him.

“I didn’t choose to be put in this position and it’s painful to have to endure it.”

Dating and relationship coach Nicole Colantoni says some may consider public confessions courageous, while others may deem them performative. However, it ultimately hinges on how the betrayed partner experiences it.

“If the confession frames the person who cheated as brave for admitting it, it can unintentionally centre their redemption rather than the partner’s pain,” she says. “Then there’s the added complexity that their private relationship is now public property. That loss of privacy can feel like a second betrayal for some.”

What’s the best way to come clean?

There’s no universal script, Colantoni says, but the emotional safety of the betrayed person should always be prioritised.

Though timing matters, it can be difficult finding the “perfect” moment to confess. It’s therefore less about ideal timing and more about emotional maturity and claiming responsibility.

“The confession should be intentional, it shouldn’t be impulsive or self-protective,” Colantoni says. “If there is a right way, that would include full accountability, clear ownership without blaming circumstances or the relationship, empathy for the pain and a willingness to answer questions.”

The betrayed partner should guide the experience, Auerbach adds. They will also need to see that the “cheater” understands the impact of their actions.

“They’re going to want to know you understand how devastated, humiliated or upset they are. You’ve got to be ready to stay with them in that process. There could be repetition of them being angry and upset with you. Be there and really respond to that level of emotion … Unless you can show you understand the emotional impact, your partner won’t be able to trust you.”

Finally, if you feel you need advice before confessing to your partner, Auerbach suggests speaking to a therapist instead of a loved one. A therapist will remain neutral whereas confessing to a mutual connection first could feel like another betrayal or humiliation.

You’ve confessed. Now what?

Patience is key. Auerbach says it could take time for the betrayed partner to process the shock, anger and grief, so all you can do is make it clear you’re available when they’re ready (if ever).

“The answer is not that complicated, but it has to be deeply felt. The answer is: ‘I understand, I’m here with you, I’m sorry.’ But it’s about being able to stay in that position for a long time.”

It’s also a time for deep self-reflection, Colantoni says.

“Ask yourself, Why did this happen? What patterns led us here? What needs to change to prevent repetition? It’s not about just apologising and moving on. It’s about embodying what this has highlighted within your relationship.”

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